Happiness

“Heavenly Father desires that we find true, lasting happiness. Our happiness is the design of all the blessings He gives us (Gospel Topics, Happiness, https://www.lds.org/topics/happiness?lang=eng).”

Sometimes in life we are able to be blissfully happy. Some days it may seem like those times are far and few between. These past couple of months I have felt like I have been drowning in legal issues dealing with custody of my daughter and it’s been so hard to recognize the rays of sunshine in my life. However, watching my sweet daughter sleep tonight is one of those times where I was filled with peace, love, and happiness because I knew that she was safe and everything was perfect. This is a simple moment in life that I love to savor and hold on to. Recently, I have had more and more reason to find the rays of sunshine in my life. After a year of sadness, heartache, and despair I have finally found my happiness and I am so excited that my daughter and I have a chance at being truly happy. One thing that I have learned over the last two years is that sometimes we have to work to keep our happiness. If we truly want our happiness to last, we treat it differently and we must be willing to put forth the effort to make it last longer. This time I am so willing to do everything that I need to keep my happiness for eternity.

When looking for true happiness we need to be weary of Satan and his temptations. Satan has a good way of disguising true happiness with things that will only temporarily make us happy. He makes those temptations look enticing and promising but under the facade there is nothing more than lies and sadness. Following Satan will never bring us true happiness. He likes us to believe that he will make us happy by tempting us with false happiness. False happiness is happiness that never lasts and that will never truly make us happy in the end. At one point I was faced with a decision to either choose false happiness or true happiness. Satan did a great job of making the false happiness look just as tempting as the true happiness. However, looking past the facade I could see that the happiness that Satan wanted me to choose was actually filled with the same darkness, sorrow, and pain that I had dealt with for the past two years. Looking past the disguise the decision was easy to make. I needed to choose the path that was filled with light, love, and true happiness. The only way to be truly happy and content with life is by following the path that the Savior wants us to follow. His path will always be filled with true happiness; happiness that will last for eternity if we are willing to put forth the work and follow the Lord’s counsel.

Everybody deserves to be happy; truly, blissfully happy. A year ago I never thought that I would find true happiness. It’s been a rough year but things are finally beginning to look up. There will always be trials in life but if we cling to the gospel and to our Heavenly Father little rays of sunshine will light our way and will bring happiness that is beyond anything we could imagine. My little Rae of sunshine has brought so much happiness to my life and now I have been blessed with another ray of sunshine that Heavenly Father has so lovingly brought in to my life. He will bring even more sunshine my way, allowing me to be truly, blissfully happy. 

Forgiveness

“I wish today to speak of forgiveness. I think it may be the greatest virtue on earth, and certainly the most needed. There is so much of meanness and abuse, of intolerance and hatred. There is so great a need for repentance and forgiveness (President Gordon B. Hinckley, “Forgiveness”, October 2005 General Conference).”

Forgiveness is one thing that I have really struggled with lately. I’m sure it’s something that we all struggle with from time to time. I have never been one to hold grudges but how do you look at the person who ruined the life you thought you had and forgive them? How do you let go of all of the hurt, anger, and betrayal? The only answer that I have for these questions is through the Atonement of Christ. We all make mistakes and we come to this Earth to learn and grow from them. Sometimes the consequences of our mistakes hurt those around us. Since none of us are perfect we are constantly having to forgive and forget those who have wronged us. We must also learn to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make. The Lord knows every sin we commit but yet he is still willing to forgive and love us for our mistakes. He still sees our infinite worth despite our imperfections; the least we can do is return the favor to our fellow brothers and sisters while on this Earth. 

Over the last year I have tried so hard to move on and forgive those who have been disrespectful and uncaring towards my daughter and I. I have been unfairly called heartless, rude, seflish, and just plain mean by some who I used to have the highest respect for just because I have chosen to take a stand to protect my daughter the best that I can. Their childish behavior affects my daughter and I more than they probably realize. They may feel like their unkind words will get their point across better but those words leave lasting impressions on the receiving end; impressions that don’t ever completely go away. Those mean and thoughtless words will always echo in the back of my mind, making me doubt myself and my individual worth. They will eventually fade but they will always, always be there. No one has the right to make a person feel worthless and meaningless. The Lord sees our infinite value every single day despite what others may think and say.

President Gordon B. Hinckley put it perfectly, “Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way.” Forgiveness can be hard but it is possible with the help of the Lord. No matter how deeply we are hurt we can always turn to the Lord for help in softening our hearts. Holding grudges and being unforgiving hurts us more than it hurts the other person. The Lord doesn’t want us to have to deal with that hurt and anger by ourselves. He is always there, waiting for us to turn to him to release the dark feelings so that we can be filled with love and light. The only way we can be filled with the light of Christ is by letting go of all the hurt, anger, and betrayal that we feel. When we are finally able to do this, it will feel like a burden has been removed from us and we will be blessed with miracles for our willingness to forgive.  

Blessings

“You may not have gone where you had in mind, but you will end up where you need to be with better blessings.”

        Al Fox Carraway

I never would have imagined that just four years after graduating high school I would be where I am today. I had such high hopes and dreams for the future. In high school my friends and I would always talk about the day that we would find the man we were going to marry and would live a life full of happiness and love. I had always imagined that I would go to college, find my Prince Charming and live happily ever after. That’s what happens to every one right? Not exactly. My life didn’t turn out quite the way I had planned. Just after one short semester of college I thought I had found the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We were married a year later and divorced a year after that. Instead of having my happily ever after I was forced into a reality that was far from perfect. I was divorced and a single mom at the age of 21 which is not exactly the perfect life I had dreamed I would be living.

Even though my life may not have turned out the way I had hoped or planned I wouldn’t change it for anything. Everything that I went through was worth it because I gained a beautiful baby daughter and I couldn’t imagine a life without her. She has saved me in more ways than I can count. My story is different than most but Heavenly Father knew everything that I would have to endure during this life. Our life on Earth isn’t meant to be easy and there is a purpose behind every trial that we must endure. My testimony and faith in the gospel were tried and tested because of the trials that I had to face but the Lord’s love was constantly there during my time of need making it impossible to doubt the truthfulness of the gospel. The Lord will always be there to help us in our time of need. He will welcome us with open arms no matter how far we have strayed.

Despite everything that I have faced I know I still have a chance to live my life to its highest potential. I can still feel my Heavenly Father’s love in my life and I know he has a plan that is so much bigger than what I can see right now. Divorce is devastating and causes many scars that will never fully heal, only fade with time. Recently, I have realized that those scars will always be there, interfering with my relationships with others. I have struggled with commitment and opening up to others from fear of being hurt and rejected. Instead of being open and letting people in I tend to push them away and build up barriers as a defense mechanism to keep my heart safe. I only pray that time will allow my heart to fully open up again and allow others in. I hope that after some time I will be able to commit to the Prince Charming that will loving and willing accept my daughter and I.

My life has not turned out the way I wanted it too but I know that it has turned out the way the Lord wanted it too. I don’t understand why everything has happened the way it has but there is a reason for everything. The Lord sees the bigger picture. He brings people into our lives for a reason, whether it’s temporarily or forever. He brings them into our lives at the exact moment we need them most. The Lord knows what he is doing and he knows timing better than we do. Sometimes we may feel like we aren’t ready for something but if we trust in the Lord he will bless us with the courage and strength to move on and live the life we deserve.  I know that there is a better life waiting for my daughter and I. One day I will be able to live the life that I have always dreamed of. I will have found my Prince Charming that has been prepared for my daughter and I. He will be able to step into our family and be the husband and father that we so desperately need to make our little family whole. I will finally have my happily ever after; there will just be one little person in my perfect ending that I wasn’t counting on.

Choices

“I have been thinking recently about choices and their consequences. Scarcely an hour of the day goes by but what we are called upon to make choices of one sort or another. Some are trivial, some more far-reaching. Some will make no difference in the eternal scheme of things, and others will make all the difference (President Thomas S. Monson, “The Three Rs of Choice”, General Conference October 2010).”

Our choices affect us. They affect our family. They shape and create who we are and who we become. Some choices are trivial while others make lasting impressions that affect ourselves and those around us. I personally have suffered rejection and betrayal from the selfish choices of someone else. I am a victim of infidelity and have had to overcome the struggles of being a single mother to a young baby because my husband chose others over the person he claimed he would love and protect the most. 

My husband's choices forced me into a new reality that I did not want to accept. I couldn’t be divorced and a single mom at the age of 21. One minute my life seemed so perfect and the next it was flipped completely upside down. I spent countless nights crying and praying, asking why did this happen? How could this have happened? When did I stop being enough? I never received the answers to these questions and I don’t know if I ever will. The only person who could answer them is the one that chose to turn away from his family and I don’t know if he can even answer them. He got caught up in the temptations of the world and he lost his fight with Satan. The choices that my husband made will haunt me and our daughter forever. It has been over a year since that night that he chose another over his family and I can still feel the effects from it. He not only chose someone else once but he continued to choose that person and many others over and over.

The feelings of betrayal, rejection, heartache, fear and anger that come from infidelity are so overwhelming they can be crushing. They are feelings I never thought that I would have to experience. They are feelings I didn’t know I could possess. The only thing that brought me comfort during that dark time was my sweet innocent baby. She was only six months old when my husband and I separated. She knew something wasn’t quite right but she was a constant ray of sunshine. She was the only thing that could get me out of bed when the heartache was too much to bear. She was the only one that could make me smile when I didn’t think I would be able to manage a smile ever again. Without her I would still be struggling to get up in the morning with a purpose, I would still be holding onto a relationship that was broken beyond repair. She gave me the strength and courage to make a choice that would allow us to move on and have a life full of happiness.

The months following our separation were months mostly filled with darkness. They were months full of lies and deceit but there were also moments filled with blessings and healing. I have never witnessed as many blessings and miracles as I did during the months surrounding our divorce. I was constantly being blessed by the Lord. Divorce should not be an option but sometimes there is no way around it. I knew that getting a divorce was the best thing for my baby and I and the Lord confirmed this to me by surrounding us with his love. I made a choice to move on from a life that was holding me back, from a life that was filled with loneliness and sadness. I made a choice that would allow me to find the happiness my daughter and I deserved. 

Our choices define us. I made the choice to walk away from a relationship that was destined for failure. I chose to become a single mother and raise my daughter all on my own. It was one of the scariest and hardest decisions I have ever had to make. That decision helped shape me into who I am today. I am a stronger person because of the choices I have been forced to make. Sometimes others don’t make the best choices and the consequences of their actions affect us. We can take the repercussions of their choices lying down or we can take a stand. I took a stand and the Lord blessed me. He blessed me for having the courage to make the decision to follow His counsel. He blessed me for having faith to stand up for what I knew was best for my daughter and I. If we make choices that are in line with what the Lord wants us to do then he will bless us beyond anything we could ever imagine.